The process that ends in a miracle

This has been a long week, I have said that before, but it's been one I am so thankful to go through. This will be one of my most personal blog entries I have ever written, and it's also the longest so that makes me a little nervous, but it's for God's glory and for His praise and I believe you will be blessed by God for reading it.

For years, I have struggled with severe panic attacks, the kind that make things seem hopeless, you feel helpless and struggle with horrible emotions that make you feel like you are going crazy. These panic attacks are normally triggered with thoughts of being alone. They first started when I was 10, my parents worked a lot. My mom was the Director of Nursing at the nursing home and if there were shortages in staffing, she would be the one to cover the shift. For a period of time, she was working the day and evening shift to maintain proper staffing. My dad worked the night shift at the time and frequently would leave for is shift before mom would get home from work. This left time when my brother and I were alone at night. My brother thought it was cool because he could get away with watching TV, I began allowing fear and loneliness change who I was and the way I reacted to being alone. From that point on, I dealt with being alone, or the perception of being alone, with panic attacks.

I don't blame my parents for any of this, they were, and still are, amazing. They are super supportive with every decision I've made and I hope to have my children respect me as much as I do them when they are my age. They were in a situation that was heart breaking, having to work and provide for their family, but have a daughter react so severely to the only decision they could make at the time. My reaction is not their fault.

There have been occasions through my life since then that have triggered severe panic attacks. I went to a week long church camp and could not sleep. I had panic attacks every night because I could not get to sleep before everyone else. I was scared and perceived a loneliness that was not there. I did not sleep one night that entire week because I had severe panic attacks. My parents took me to see a therapist and I wouldn't talk about anything because I was worried that if I told the truth, they would take me away from my family.

As I got older, I was able to somewhat talk myself out of the fear and panic, but they were pervasive throughout high school and college. As I got older the panic attacks got worse and started to include chest pains. I adjusted to them, I could predict them, I expected them, survived them and moved on.

Aaron and I married and when deployments came up, you can image the severity of the panic I felt. They would start about a week before he left, the day he left I would be barely functioning and then throughout the next week, I would have them, but they would taper off.

Aaron has had some recent trips for work and I am usually fine with them, things go smoothly most of the time and we are usually fine, but for some reason these trips were really upsetting to me and I finally went to the Dr to see what he said. It was a military Doctor so I was expecting him to disregard me and send me on my way. Instead he listened to me for 20 minutes, was not rushed in his reaction to me, was totally what I needed and gave me some options including an antidepressant. Fully aware of the potential side effects, I was ready to be more myself. I hated to be on the medication, but I love my family more and I was worth the effort.

This most recent deployment sent me into a tailspin. The combination of the stress and medication that was not designed to treat anxiety, threw me into some of the worst panic attacks I'd ever experienced. They woke me up at night, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I could not function. I went back to the Doctor and he realized I was having a drug reaction and changed the medication immediately and gave me some new medication that had a component to fight the anxiety and panic.

The rest of the day was spent praying, trying to find the faith to go through this next part of our lives. That night, Aaron and I talked, really for the first time about the panic attacks. It wasn't that I was hiding them from him, in my mind, panic was part of everyday life for everyone. I realized as I talked to him that it was not normal. The normal response to a deployment is to be sad, figure out a plan, get support aligned and pray as we prepare for his leaving. This was HUGE!! I never thought I could face something as difficult as my husband "leaving" me and I could do it without a panic attack.

The next morning as I was in the shower, God reminded me of 2 Timothy 1:7, "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power or love and a sound mind." Translation: God made me whole, without panic attacks and fear. My personality changed at an age I was not able to stop it. Satan has been using it against me since and changed me from the person God created, the one with a sound mind, to one filled with fear.

God had also been dealing with me in how I react to stress. I would normally talk to Aaron first, if he isn't available, I run down the list of friend and start calling. God confronted me head on with the fact that if I have something that is bothering me, I have to go straight to Him. He never gave me permission to go to others without me going to HIM FIRST! I was sinning on so many levels and not realizing it. Going to people with problems and asking advice from someone tainted by sin and with impure motives is really a sin because I am not trusting that God has answers that I need. If I take it to God first, immerse myself with His truth and allow my eyes and ears to be open to Him, He is faithful, will listen and respond. He loves me. As I continued to pray, God made it clear that he was allowing Aaron to continue to be on this deployment. He wanted Aaron gone for a time because I was using him as a crutch.

My prayer at this time was to make this deployment not just about me learning this lesson, but for Aaron to be a strong witness for Him as he would be dealing personally with the Iraqi Army. That this would be a time for change in their hearts and in the hearts and mind of his own crew.

I fully expect this deployment to be difficult because Aaron, my strongest and biggest fan will be gone and his absence, will make me go through things that would normally cause huge stress and panic in order for me to re-learn how to rely on God only first. If a situation comes up, and I completely expect there to be many, my old response would be to panic and run to Aaron or a friend for support and help. Now when a situation arises, I will stop that pattern and redirect my feelings and thoughts straight to His thrown because He is the only one with true answers untouched by sin and filtered through truth and love.

The last thing He was challenging me with was my absolute reliance on Him. I realized very quickly that I am not able to do this deployment, I am bankrupt on every level and if I were to endure this deployment, that it was Him through me. I was all done.

Aaron came home last night and I was so excited about all the things he taught me, about the corners I turned and how God brought me through the valley for fear and I am on the other side! I was thrilled, Aaron was excited and said, "you have faith like a mustard seed because you moved a mountain, I am not going, someone else took this assignment and I am staying home with you!!! What? WHAT? WHAT!! Thank you God, hugs all around, tears all around, confusion with the girls and we explained that dad was staying home!

I am still in shock, but yesterday happened to be our anniversary! I feel like a new person, one that is fully reliant on a God that loves me, cares about me and wants me WHOLE, the person He created me to be. Thank you for all your prayers. God turned something Satan meant for harm and turned it into something that brought healing. All praise be to God, the giver of life and health and healing. This is for His glory alone. I am not a spiritual giant, I am a child of God that sought answers from him with all my heart, mind and soul. He is faithful and he loves me. I am not saying that because he choose to take this deployment away, we were fully prepared to rely on God fully with this upcoming deployment, now the challenge is to not be like the Israelites and forget this lesson and forget his love for me. The other challenge is for me to run to God first and not succumb to the temptation to call Aaron. So my challenge for you as my friends is that if I come to you with something that is worrying me, you are to remind me to go to the thrown first then call back later after God has been allowed to hear my heart.

Thank you for listening to my heart and praying for our family.